Mistakes and failures are not the same as regret, though they may result in feeling regret. The difference comes from noticing the feeling of regret and determining if that feeling can be reframed.
Life is full of possible paths to take. There is an infinite number of possibilities. In hindsight, the path seems clear, as we are able to identify the steps we took that brought us to the present moment. In the moment, these steps do not feel so obvious.
Each time we choose to take one path or another, intentionally or not, we are cementing that path in the journey of our lives. But that decision may not be the best one. It’s possible the decision to take one path over another was actually a mistake or failure.
When looking back on these decisions, it may be clearer to our present self that the decision of the past was a mistake or failure. Mistakes/failures do not necessarily result in a feeling of regret.
The best way to grow in many situations is to observe our past mistakes and failures, learning from those experiences, and using that knowledge to improve the quality of our future. This learning cycle requires an understanding that mistakes lead to improvement over time.
Regret comes from a sense of wishing that something had been done differently in the past so that the mistake or failure never occurred in the first place. However, this is somewhat of a trap of thinking.
What would it actually mean to change the past? The infinite possible futures we face across the course of our lives may seem to be clear in hindsight, but in the moment, they are much less certain.
Every action we take has the potential to shift the course of our lives, possibly leading us to a vastly different place than we thought or intended. Thinking of the butterfly effect, small actions taken in the past could have drastic consequences to our future selves.
These consequences do not need to be good or bad, they just are. More importantly, they are known. It is easy to look back at life and wish we did something differently, but then we would be dealing with an amorphous potential existence instead of the one we are living now.
Changing the past may give us a sense of looking through rose coloured glasses for the potential futures arising from that change, but it misses the value of knowing our current selves, relationships, and experiences.
While it is possible that changing the past would have given us a “better” life, we have to compare that potential future, that is by no means certain, with the existence we currently have and the present value we derive from it.
It is easy to say that we wish we took different paths, but what would be at the end of those paths? Sure, they may have been better, but they may have been worse. We may not have the same friends. People we know may have died. We may not have taken that trip we loved.
A lot of regrets can be absolved by reframing them as mistakes or failures to learn from. The feeling of regret is a present emotion that is caught in the past. It takes self-reflection and perhaps talking to someone to see the value in those mistakes or failures.
One of the most important values is that those mistakes led you to being where you are now. The certainty of this moment has a lot of value, because it is something that we can truly know
I note that reframing regrets that have impacted only myself is a lot easier than trying to reframe a regret that has negatively impacted another. I am not saying that all regrets can easily be reframed. I hope, in time, you are able to forgive yourself if that is the case.
What I am saying is that a lot of what we perceive as regret can instead be reframed as a learning experience to better our future selves. Instead of getting caught up in what might have been, be thankful that you are here now, and practice improving who you could be.
Reframing regrets and learning from past mistakes is not something that will occur instantly. Each day, we can take small actions that improve the quality of our present lives and that of our potential futures.
1% better at something every day for a year is 37 times better than last year. This includes processing emotions and working through the past to learn from mistakes, taking that knowledge and growing with it.
What do you wish you were 37 times better at by this time next year?
If you found this helpful or interesting, I would love to hear your thoughts! The more we learn how this practice helps each of us, the more we can collectively improve. Please feel free to leave questions or comments below.
Continue reading about philosophy for troubled times with: Feeling Lonely.
Find the full list of mindful thoughts here.
