today’s morning mindfulness was on feeling lonely, what that means, and ways to improve it. Perhaps surprisingly, loneliness is not solved by having others reach into our own lives, but rather from extending ourselves out there to pay attention to others.
I should note that there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. It is possible to be surrounded by people and feel lonely, and being alone while feeling connected with others.
We want to feel as though we belong. When we don’t, it can be crushing to our sense of self and being. So how can we get out of a state of loneliness?
The answer may seem obvious: making friends. By friends, I mean people we have valued relationships with, including traditional friends, family, and romantic partners. These are people we have friendships with, connections with the person themselves.
However, many people mistake the friendship for the friend. People can be concerned with the value derived from their connection with another, rather than the value of that person in and of themselves.
While valuing and respecting the connection with another can help forge new friendships, the deeper connection comes from valuing the person for who they are. Each person is unique and has independent value. The more we remember that, the less lonely we will feel.
To identify the value in another and to help pull ourselves out of loneliness, all we need to do is pay attention and listen. This is somewhat of a paradox, since feeling lonely can be isolating and we may feel as though we cannot connect with another person.
The subtext of this session is “deep friendship begins with the simple act of paying attention” Each person is looking for others to see their own value. By taking the time to listen and pay attention, they feel as though they have shared their value with another.
Having the opportunity to share their value and feel heard can lead to that person feeling less lonely because of your attention. This, in turn, can lead to you feeling less lonely since you have made a true connection with another person.
Over time, the more attention that is paid to the friendship, the deeper the friendship becomes. Eventually, they may become a true friend, one who cares deeply for you as an individual, rather than as a connection or for your particular character traits.
By fostering a few true friends, you will find yourself in a state of belonging. Of having relationships with others who listen to you, and to whom you listen to in return.
Listening is a skill that seems to be in the decline in modern society. With social media, everything happens so fast and so frequently, it can be hard to look through the noise and find people to truly connect with.
If social media feels overwhelming and you feel as though you are not making deep connections with people, I recommend taking a step back. Consider how you can authentically put yourself forward in a way that can be seen and heard by others.
Instead of trying to interact with as many people as possible, try to find a few people you resonate strongly with, and engage with them meaningfully. Listen to what they are saying and pay attention to it, whether that is through writing, art, or some other form.
By taking the time to pay attention, others will feel valued, and will be more likely to pay you attention in return. Every person can use each interaction with another as an opportunity to learn and grow from that knowledge.
The bond formed by true recognition of each other’s value is one that will not easily fade away. These bonds can help prevent loneliness in the long run, leading to a greater support system and an improved engagement with life.
So instead of spreading yourself too thin, trying to connect with as many people as possible, try to be more deliberate and intentional with your actions. Take more than a few seconds to pay attention to another, and see where that relationship can go
If you found this helpful or interesting, I would love to hear your thoughts! The more we learn how this practice helps each of us, the more we can collectively improve. Please feel free to leave questions or comments below.
Continue reading about philosophy for troubled times with: Grieving Well.
Find the full list of mindful thoughts here.
