Building On Experience & Knowledge

Welcome to Recalibrating! My name is Callum (@_wanderloots)

Join me each week as I learn to better life in every way possible, reflecting and recalibrating along the way to keep from getting too lost.

Thanks for sharing the journey with me ✨

This week we are going to talk about what it means to build our esteem by spiralling upwards instead of looping.

Recap

Last week, we touched on the importance of completing the learning cycle to learn from experiences instead of looping in them.

This week, we are going to continue by discussing what it means to “spiral upwards”, building on the experiences we have already learned from to continue growing on the path of knowledge and understanding.

Believing In Change

In this series on growing self-esteem to meet the Level 4 Esteem Needs of Maslow’s Hierarchy, we have learned what it takes to grow through learning.

Each learning cycle provides an opportunity to build on the knowledge we have gained previously, taking us upwards as we learn instead of loop.

This framework, particularly the Experiential Learning Cycle, provides a model for how to overcome the fear of self-doubt. To plant a seed and embrace new experiences.

To believe in change.

Now that you have learned to believe that change is possible, we can move onto the next step: actually changing.

There is a big step between thinking about changing to actually changing.

I want to warn you that this entry may challenge you in ways you might not have been challenged before.

Behavioural Change

What does it take to actually change who we are? Thinking back to our conversations on habits, we must remember that we are our experiences.

That means we must modify our experience if we are to modify who we are. The self.

Modifying our experiences means undertaking one of the most difficult actions known to humans: modifying our behaviour. Much of our behaviour (40%+) comes from automatic actions known as habits.

Habits compound over time. The longer the habit occurs, the more ingrained it becomes, the more it forms part of our identity.

What happens if we extrapolate (extend) our habits 1, 3, 5, 10, 20 years into the future?

Constant change does not just impact us right now or in the near future, but will “forever” impact us.

However, forever is not the right word. We do not live forever.

We do not like to think of our human finitude (having a limit to our lifespan, i.e., not infinite). The thought of death, the end of our story (maybe?), brings fear because death is a great unknown. This fear prevents us from projecting our thoughts too far into our own future.

Predicting where we will be if we maintain our current trajectory inevitably leads to our own death if we extend it far enough, so we instead prefer to look backwards, living in the past. Repeating the behaviours that have let us survive so far rather than thinking about how we can survive better in the future.

Instead of letting this fear of the unknown rule our behaviour, causing us to run in circles, looping, we can use the finite time we have available to us as motivation.

The sooner you come to terms with the fact that you will not live forever, the sooner you will begin to value your time more greatly.

Since we are our experiences, and our experiences are limited in life, we can be motivated to make the most out of the time we have available. Motivated to deepen the engagement with our own life instead of letting it pass us by.

Change is the only constant in life. We must embrace change if we are to make the most out of the time we have available.

If we do not, we are left behind, stuck in unfulfilling patterns that leave us questioning what we have done with our lives.

Stifling Hope

If this sounds a bit existential and overly-dramatic, I invite you to consider what happens when people do not change.

How many books have you read, shows have you watched, or movies have you seen, where the main character does not change at all? Probably very few, if any, have such an extreme lack of character development. The story would not be relatable.

The hero’s journey permeates almost all of our stories for a reason. On their journey, the hero undergoes a transformation of the self, a change in who they are. They go from their ordinary world (habitual behaviour, lack of change) to the unknown, the special world. The realm of change.

They then bring this newfound change back to the ordinary world by way of knowledge. The Changer provides a beacon to others who have lacked the courage to venture into the special world (i.e., out of the ordinary, the unknown). This beacon can provide a catalyst that changes the hero’s behaviour and those around them. Creating a changed world.

We have learned over the millennia that change is an essential part of what it means to be human. That is why we value transformation of the self so strongly in story.

We want to believe that change is possible. Watching others transform is motivating, provided we do not let their change evoke additional fears in ourselves.

These additional fears can arise from insecure self-esteem. We believe ourselves imposters, thinking we do not belong. We fear failure and what it would do to our fragile self-esteem. We doubt that we can change.

In essence, we have an inner conflict between the desire for change and actually facing our own perceived inadequacies. A conflict between thinking and acting.

Instead of acting on this inner conflict, we look to others, living vicariously through their stories.

We look to the stories of others because it helps us know ourselves.

But when it comes time to act on this understanding, we convince ourselves that we do not deserve to change or that we do not need to, that things are good enough as they are.

This self-doubt kills the seed of belief we had begun to nurture when we envisioned a better world for ourselves and others.

Instead of stifling the seeds of change with negative self-talk, we should nourish the seed and embrace change.

We should hold onto the hope that a better future is possible.

If we let that hope go, the consequences are dire.

The Consequences of Addiction

What happens when we let go of the seed of hope that our lives can be better?

What happens when we believe that we cannot change?

To answer these questions, I invite you to consider a group of people that are notorious for their inability to change: addicts.

Whether cigarettes, nicotine, heroine, methamphetamine, alcohol, opioids, or any in a long list of addictive substances, humans who have become addicted find it extremely difficult to change.

Over time, addicts give up hope. They give up their belief that they can change. Others lose faith in them.

Addiction kills many people each year. When it doesn’t, it can significantly reduce the quality and length of their lives.

Instead of changing their behaviour, addicts remain in loops. They repeat the actions they have become accustomed to over time. They reinforce their negative habits, pushing them deeper and deeper into their sense of self.

I have seen firsthand what happens to addicts when they do not change their behaviour. When they lose their belief that they can change.

A family member was killed by drug abuse, taken from my family far too young.

I know others who have failed to kick their drug abuse habits, losing themselves as their brains begin to fail them. Distancing themselves from their friends and family through their erratic and unpredictable behaviour. Cementing their past as their future.

(deep breath)

Of course, changing drug addiction is on an entirely different level than eating too much junk food, failing to exercise, or being stuck in a job that makes you unhappy.

But when it comes to change, the parallels between the two are shockingly similar and terrifying. So are the consequences of staying in the known and refusing to change for the better.

Stages of Change

In the 1970’s, James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente came up with what is now known as one of the best models of change: The Transtheoretical (Stages of Change) Model.

James and Carlo developed this model by studying ways to help smokers quit. To learn how to help addicts change.

Over the years, this model has been applied generally to humanity at large as a way to help people understand how to change their behaviour. It applies to everyone, not just addicts.

I first came across this model during a therapy session while discussing the difficulties of getting out of the burnout cycle and trying to enact institutional change.

Let’s take a look.

Transtheoretical Model

The Transtheoretical Model has six stages:

1. Pre-contemplation: no contemplated action for at least 6 months (unaware)
2. Contemplation: recognizing that change should happen in the next 6 months (aware)
3. Preparation: ready to take action in the next 30 days (planning)
4. Action: behaviour change has begun and is intended to be continued (active)
5. Maintenance: changed behaviour has been sustained for more than 6 months (preventing relapse)
6. Relapse: lapse or relapse into old behaviour (learning)

The model was updated to include an optional exit stage in lieu of the relapse stage: Termination. Termination occurs when the old behaviour will never be relapsed into, similar to staying in Maintenance forever.

The reason that relapses are included as part of the cycle is because they are often inevitable. No one is perfect. Very few are able to change their behaviour perfectly on their first try.

The goal is not to change immediately, but to recognize that change occurs over time.

Relapses may be “failures”, but they are failures to learn from, not to be disheartened by. Each relapse is an opportunity to begin again. An opportunity to learn from past mistakes and build on them.

An opportunity to spiral upwards.

Working Through the Stages of Change

Here is a brief intro to each stage of change, in large part researched though this article by VeryWell Mind.

Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation

In the first stage, the Pre-Contemplation Stage, people are either in denial that a problem exists or are ignorant of it.

People are not considering whether change should occur and are often unaware of issues with their behaviour. They may not even realize that their behaviour is harmful.

Remember, 95% of people think they are self-aware, while only 10-15% actually are. That leaves a lot of people ignorant of their own situations.

In my experience, burnout is often a cause of people remaining in the Pre-Contemplation Stage. Burnout causes apathy, an inability to care, making it hard to recognize the problem exists in the first place.

People may also believe that there is no possibility of change, that change is outside of their control. Again, apathy is often a cause of this feeling. “What’s the point, I can’t do anything about it”.

There are two actions (among others) that I find helpful in this situation:

1. Metacognition to boost self-awareness (recognize problematic patterns in your behaviour)
2. Build your self-esteem (believe you can change and that you deserve to)

Stage 2: Contemplation

In the second stage, the Contemplation Stage, people have built their awareness that there are benefits to changing and that a problem exists.

Many people get stuck here. They recognize that changing their behaviour could improve their situation, but they don’t take active steps to begin the process.

Change may feel too large or there may be too many blocks. The cost of change feels too high.

Naming the blocks by writing them down can be helpful to recognize that they are not impossible to overcome. Similarly, naming the pros of changing and the cons of not changing can be helpful to put your situation into perspective.

Stage 3: Preparation

In the third stage, the Preparation Stage, people begin gathering information about their situation. This information can be used to establish an action plan to get the change rolling.

Writing down your plan can be extremely helpful. Writing makes things feel more real. It also converts an overwhelming amount of thoughts into a contained space that can be reviewed and better understood. Writing can make the goals feel more real.

In this stage, people also begin making minor changes, testing out how they feel taking small actions towards their goals.

Stage 4: Action

In the fourth stage, the Action Stage, people take steps towards the goals they established in the Preparation Stage.

When people’s resolutions fail, it is often because people jump right into the Action Stage, without going through the Contemplation and Preparation Stages. They feel, for example, pressure to change because a new year has rolled around and they didn’t change the behaviour they had hoped to change last year. Or the year before, etc.

It’s good to review your goals and the motivations for achieving them as you work through the Action stage. For example, you may have begun working out because you wanted to look better to boost your esteem. After you work out for a few weeks, your motivation to work out may change because you want to stay healthy and you enjoy how you feel physically and mentally.

The motivation has changed from being superficial (looks) to intrinsic (healthy).

Stage 5: Maintenance

The fifth stage, the Maintenance Stage, is all about avoiding the temptation of your old behaviour and staying on the course of your new behaviour.

Avoiding relapses should be rewarded, as it can help maintain your changed behaviour.

It’s possible to stay in this stage forever, which is similar to Terminating your old behaviour.

Stage 6: Relapse

The sixth stage, the Relapse Stage, occurs when you falter, failing to maintain your new behaviour.

This mistake or failure can be devastating, and making it difficult to get back up and continue with the changed behaviour. It can be easy to revert back to your old ways.

It is important to remember that no one is perfect, change is very difficult, and mistakes are quite common.

Instead of being hard on yourself, use the relapse as an opportunity to learn what caused it so that you can avoid that trigger in the future.

Recalibrating Your Hero’s Journey

There is a reason that The Hero’s Journey is referred to as the “monomyth”, or the one myth. This story model is one designed around transformation, a common trait in all stories.

We like to watch people transform through story. It helps us believe that we too can change and make ourselves and the world better.

That said, instead of looking to others to watch them change, why don’t you look to yourself? You are the hero of your own story, so shouldn’t you have a say in how you transform?

If you don’t consider yourself the hero of your story, then who is?

The first step in the Hero’s Journey is to move into the realm of the unknown, to take a step forward on a path that may scare you. In the frame of this entry, a problem you would like to overcome through change.

Burnout, anxiety, imposter syndrome, negative self-talk, self-doubt, low self-esteem, perfectionism, self-criticism, are a few common problems that might come to mind.

It’s possible that, while reading this entry, you immediately thought of a problem that you would like to overcome.

If you are already aware of the problem, you are at the Contemplation Stage. Your next steps are to recognize the loop that you are in and begin looking for information that can help you move to the Preparation stage.

Try to identify barriers that are blocking you from changing.

It’s also possible that, reading through this entry, you didn’t think of a single problem that you would like to change. That’s great!

However, I want to ask, have you considered if you are perhaps in the Pre-Contemplation Stage? The stage of denial or ignorance?

Are you happy with your esteem levels?

Our bodies often know that we are looping problems before our minds do. It took me months to realize I was burnt out, even though I clearly had symptoms of burnout.

Being in denial or ignorant of problems is merely the first stage of change, nothing to be ashamed of.

Take some time to reflect on where you are at in your life and if there is anything you would like to change in your behaviour.

Anti-Vision

If nothing comes to mind, another question to ask yourself is “am I psychologically engaged with my life?”

Life is more than moving in loops, taking the same actions every day.

Humans are meant to be engaged with their lives, including being mentally engaged with their actions.

A way to determine if you are engaged with your life is to consider not just your vision for how you would like to proceed with life, but also your anti-vision: what you DO NOT want your life to be.

Thinking of what you don’t want can sometimes be easier than narrowing down what you do want.

Then, flip the anti-vision around to see what you are left with. The remainder can serve as a vision for where you could take your life to be fully engaged.

We often just go along with what we should do rather than what we actually want to do or what is actually good for us. The anti-vision experiment is a good exercise to identify areas in your life that may be more for others than for yourself.

Perhaps you’ll feel inspired to change that.

“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.”
— Albert Einstein

Boosting The Esteem Of Others

Writing this entry helped me come to terms with why this Recalibrating Experiment is so important to me.

I have seen what happens to people who are unable to change, or refuse to, and the negative consequences of that lack of change.

Change is difficult, but is possible.

The person must want to change, and that is the most difficult part. This motivation is often not present because they have a lack of belief that they can change.

I believe that it is possible for anyone to change their behaviour.

Providing support and helping to foster that belief in change for your friends and family can be enough to keep the spark of hope alive.

Consider, the next time you are talking to someone who has negative self-talk about their inability to change, how can you boost them?

Maybe you can make the difference and get their change cycle started ✨

Next week

That was a lot of information. I hope that this entry can provide a resource you can return to whenever you are struggling with change.

Whenever a thought pops into my head about how I could change my behaviour, I now map where I am at to the Transtheoretical Stages of Change Model. It provides helpful clarity to identify my blocks and how to overcome them.

Next week, we are going to change things up a bit to tackle Maslow’s Expanded Hierarchy of Needs: The Growth Needs.

Stay tuned ✨

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